All Blog entries from category Smart (and not so smart) stuff
Blog entries: 6. All Blog entries are sorted chronologically.
Everyday German is rich in bizarre idioms and precise put-downs. Not easy to learn, but worth a try, here are three crucial colloquialisms for a start - if it is not all sausage to you:
Arsch
Literally “ass”, Arsch is German’s most common amplifier. Weather can be arschkalt (very cold), an observation might be arschklar (blindingly obvious), goods are often arschteuer (extremely expensive) and someone who talks a lot of crap and gets on your nerves is an Arschgeige (“ass violine”). To be the recipient of an Arschkarte (“ass ticket”) is to draw the short straw, if you’re verarscht or gearscht you’ve been tricked or made a fool of, and when everything’s going wrong all at once you say there’s an Arschprogramm going on. Be warned: Arschloch (“asshole”) is a way more serious insult than it is in English. Avoid using it unless you want to end up am Arsch (fucked up).
Wurst
Pork looms large in German culture. For “I don’t care” try Mir ist alles Wurst! – “It’s all sausage to me!”. When it comes to the crunch, say Es geht um die Wurst! - “it goes around the sausage!” And if someone sulks, tell them: Sei keine beleidigte Leberwurst! – “Don’t be an insulted liver sausage.”
Schwein
Stuck at home alone, say Kein Schwein ruft mich an! – “No pig calls me!” Had a stroke of luck, declare Ich habe Schwein gehabt! – “I have had a pig!” To express incredulity, try Ich glaube mein Schwein pfeift! – “I believe my pig whistles!” A Schweinepriester (“pig priest”) is a dishonest person, Schweinarbeit is a hell of a job, a Schweinerei is a real mess, and if a stranger’s getting over-familiar, ask them: Haben wir mal zusammen Schweine gehütet? “Have we sheltered pigs together”?
Any more ideas for bizarre phrases!?
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And here is the end of that mini series with questions 4 and 5.
Enjoy;)
Question 4:
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: "No, you are
much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
And, finally, question nr. 5:
"What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid old joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily.
"And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
Anyhow ;)
Have a great day!
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And here is question nr. 2 ...
So short, so innocent, and so often asked ...
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is as well short:
"Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer:
"Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes ?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
Well ... but it doesn't get easier;)
Question number 3:
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state:
"No, of course not" .... and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter women.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
Have a great day ;)
B.
P.S.: "Say, darling, that is not, what men really think, is it?" ;)))
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Reading some of the blog entries here, including the German ones, regarding women, I sensed the necessity for advice;)
So here is some advice, guys, for the five toughest questions women ask ;)))
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or even divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is, sad to say, dishonestly.
Let´s look at question number one, today:
"What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football (in the U.S., Soccer in the rest of the world)
b - Cars
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to some survey, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg:
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
Do you have better answers in store?
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Unbelievable ... a broker in Japan was supposed to sell 1 share in tiny J-Com Co. for YEN 610,000.
What did he do?
He sold 610,000 shares for 1 YEN.
Bad mistake, very bad mistake.
Competition realized it and snapped up many, many shares, until Mizuho Financial Group realized the mistake. They tried to buy back as many shares as possible, but some 96,236 shares (more than 6 times of all shares outstanding) remain with the buyers. Most of them want to sell the shares back for the offered price of 912,000 YEN, reaping in nice profits. Some of them, like UBS, supposedly even more than USD 100 Million.
Others are hoping for even higher prices.
Today, the loss for the company is estimated at USD 335 Million. But let´s see, what the next days will bring.
What a story!
I guess, that trader had a really bad day. And bonuses will not be very high this year.
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The bright, the smart, the geniuses
Viewing Jay Leno last night, and seeing a Blonde, that had two rather large arguments in her favour, but other than that answered to Jays question about “whom did the U.S. confront in the “Cold War”?” with sheer confidence “The Antarctica”, I feel it is time for a blog about the bright, the smart, and the geniuses.
To start, here are five people, who actually died while proving their superiority, if it comes to intellect. Or so.
Enjoy … and let me know, if you know of similar Einsteins.
1. In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In San Francisco, a 49-year-old stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death by fellow cadet, Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berren was wearing.
4. Paul Stiller, 47, did not die, but was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
And finally:
5. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
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